Somewhere in the Middle

I have nothing left to give. No more happiness to fake. I’m maxed out. Taken enough beatings. Been used and hurt by more than enough people. No more. I’m not taking anymore more.

STOP. Stop taking advantage of me. Using me for your benefit alone and than dropping me when I’m no longer needed. How can you not know how it’s hurting me? Slowly affecting what ability to trust that I had left and slamming it into the ground. Do I not deserve better? Am I not good enough? But why? What about me makes me any less than you? 

How much longer can i keep up the fake act before everybody knows the hard truth. I am not happy, positive, or even very nice. No. That has long since been stolen from me, taking my innocence with it. Bitterness has poisoned my soul, leaving me angry, resentful, rebellious, and doubtful of others intentions. 

Probably the best discovery I’ve had. It gives you the ability to lose yourself in the moment. Not a care in the world. One, two, three shots…then I’m gone. Gone away from all of my problems, shyness, and insecurities. Finally able to just revel in the moment and enjoy the company of the ones I love.

Or perhaps of ones I hadn’t known before, but because of the drink had no problem introducing myself to. Suddenly we are best friends. As if we’ve known each other forever.

Before I know it I’m taking shots with all the hottest guys at my school. So confident in my personality and sexuality. I know exactly how I’m making them feel as I lounge comfortably on chair near them in my skimpy top and hip-hugging jeans. They WANT me. I’m wild and beautiful in their eyes. And the best part is I see myself that way too. Just after the drink.

And I want them too. But just how far I’ll go all depends on how much I let myself enjoy. No regrets…

The life of the party. The lust of guys. The one who swears, smokes, drinks, cheats, and hooks up with  guys. 

But you wouldn’t ever know it if you just met me. You’d think I’m just an innocent, young 17 year old girl. One without a care in the world and surely not one to do anything “bad”. But I do. That’s the thing. I come off as this innocent little happy girl. But that’s not really what I am. It’s just what I always have been so I still seem to have that air about me. And it’s who my family will forever know me as. 

When I’m with my family I am this whole different person. I have tried to be the new me with them but they don’t seem to like it so I just stick to the me that they know. It’s easier to just pretend that I actually want God in my life completely and more than he is now. That way they won’t try to drill anything into the ground. It’s easier to just leave my personal problems with my friends out of things because i know that they wouldn’t approve and would surely try to change me. But maybe I don’t want to be changed right at this moment. Maybe I want to live my life to the fullest. And maybe I don’t think there really is anything wrong with the current way that I have been living. 

Could it be that possibly people are just all too  judgmental? That people need to just calm down and loosen up a little bit? What’s wrong with having a little fun while I am young? It’s the normal thing for teens to do. And maybe, just maybe, that’s okay..

Change. A frightening, yet all too exciting word. Change can mean a fresh start, or a new beginning. Change is something we all strive for at one point of another in our lives. This is largely because we ourselves are always changing and growing. For some, the change they make is not always for the better, but it is still change. 

That’s exactly how I feel about this short, six letter, word. Am I crazy for wanting more change on top of all that has already happened to drastically change my life? Some might say so. But I feel more of an almost desperation for change. I need change in the same way that i need air, water, and food. I can feel it all the way to my soul. I know I can’t go on the way I’ve been. I am desperate for a way out of this nightmare that is my life. Desperate to finally attain happiness and be content with my life. Happiness having as of late only been reached through people and objects. Things that will not last.